Day 4 - COVID19: Uncertainty and Phone Calls

Uncertainty and Making Phone Calls

DAY 4: You know that feeling of anxiety I mentioned in the previous post? It was building itself up on Thursday and has kept on going with different flows and ebbs since then.

I can't even remember the morning routine on this day because it was different from our normal work week ones.  There was this feeling of "what the heck" as our morning started. I also had to call my primary care provider and see if there was any chance they could see me.

In the previous post I also didn't mention that when the principal called and asked me not to come into work, she also asked me to be cleared by a doctor before I could return. You're thinking, yeah, okay, so do it. I was thinking the same thing. No problem there. Quick visit, you're fine, you're healthy, go to work.

It didn't turn out exactly that way.

What happened this day is more about what I went through and the information I was able to gain for me and for T.J.

T.J. was at home reading up on the news. He was trying to figure what symptoms to look out for. He's stressed and on top of everything, still dealing with jet lag. The man looked exhausted.

In the mean time I'm calling the doctor's office. The front desk assistant said I could come by later that morning. T.J. had me call again and make sure to explain what was going on. I felt uncomfortable having to explain "a possibility story" again and why I needed to get cleared. The assistant said it wouldn't be a problem. Two things were happening here: one, my place of work was asking me to get cleared and two, my primary doctor was treating it like a regular visit.

Here's what I encountered: when I made it to the doctor's office I was treated like I had the cooties. That image probably makes us chuckle as we remember our elementary school days when we would wait in line and poke our classmate while laughing and yelling a variation of "you've got the cooties!" It would be better to say that the interaction confirmed what I already knew, that in our society individuals by no fault of theirs can be unjustly treated and ostracized. Yet, I don't blame the staff at the doctor's office. They were trying to figure out what to do. If they're not informed how can they provide the medical attention needed. They're out in the wild hearing all the news just like we are. I want to go on a rambling paragraph about how the dissemination of information, or lack thereof from governmental institutions and their officials (from local, to State, and Federal level) about the coronavirus left much to be desired. However, I can't because it's a lot more complex than just rambling and there are plenty of articles out there analyzing one way or another this issue. In any case, for everyone, this is an unprecedented moment. What I can tell you is that at the doctor's office I was given a mask, the phone number to the Health Department, and asked to reschedule. They wanted me gone. Did I get cleared to go back to work? Not at all. Was I taken aback in their interaction with me? Most definitely. I was shocked into silence and into unbelievable smiles and thank yous.

I get home and I call the Health Department immediately. I have T.J. call the Health Department as well. The doctor's office calls me not long after I arrived home to make sure I call the Health Department. Joseph is running around the house with his monster trucks. We didn't take him to daycare for obvious reasons. I'm in one room talking on the phone and T.J.'s in another room doing the same. The Health Department was directing us to our doctor. You see where this is going? The running in circles that the situation demanded, because why not?

The news is telling people to call and visit their primary doctors. The primary doctors have no information and are asking people to call the Health Department. The Health Department can't give individual medical advice. Doctor offices can't help out either because they don't exactly have a protocol in place for coronavirus patients. This is all new for everyone in our community and we were just the start.

A few hours later, the Health Department is calling me back. The doctor's office had called them. This office was freaking out! They wanted to make sure I had called the Health Department. Both T.J. and I had called, no worries there, we were more concerned than anyone else at this moment, believe us on this point. We wanted information too. We wanted to figure out what steps to take beyond self-quarantining. How to get tested, how to get cleared. We were taking as much action as possible. Before the general public was being asked to actively practice social distancing, to heed the message of protecting your loved ones and members of your community, we were already in quarantine.

The Health Department did tell T.J. he didn't need to get tested because it was just a possibility. Plus, he hadn't traveled to a high risk region.

T.J. hadn't heard back from Jeff yet.

The principal called me again that evening. Since we still didn't know anything, she asked me to not come in to work the next day (Friday) or the following week (the last week before Spring Break). I could return once we knew Jeff's results were negative or I had been cleared by a doctor. I'm sure some of you are probably thinking, vacation time! Not so much as many of you have by now experienced.

However, it was still all a possibility by the end of Thursday. We did learn that the Health Department was still trying to figure everything out. I learned that because I resided in one county but was a teacher in another county the other Health Department also had to be involved. I learned that primary care doctors couldn't help you because it's a big unknown for them if you come with the possibility of the coronavirus. I learned that by this time the community at large was just waiting for public schools to be cancelled. Universities across Florida had already started cancelling classes.

So here were, quarantined at home, with no definite answers and an unknown.

Day 3 - COVID19: Our Weekly Normal... Or So I Thought

Back to Our Weekly Normal...Or So I Thought

DAY 3: It's Wednesday morning. My morning rush was less rushed this day.

Before dismissal during our planning time, two of my co-workers had just walked into my classroom and we were discussing our end of 3rd-quarter to-do-lists. That's when I noticed that T.J. had called me an hour earlier. I called him back, thinking he just wanted to update me about having left work early since he had just returned from an exhausting trip the previous day. He did leave work early but not for the reason I thought. He left work because he heard from his friend Jeff.

My conversation with T.J. was short. His friend Jeff had called him late in the morning when he was at work. Jeff had left him a message explaining that one of his travel buddies in his skiing trip to Austria had tested positive for coronavirus. Jeff was informing T.J. that he was getting tested that day and would know his results in 24 to 48 hours. Jeff was bummed to have to share the news with T.J. I can only imagine. You haven't seen your college friend in almost two decades and this is the memory they'll share of meeting up. T.J. shared the message with me later that evening. The man sounded somber, apologetic, concerned, not just for himself but for T.J. and his family. I am thankful for his response, for immediately calling my husband, for taking on the importance of the situation, for being aware that informing others is taking care of others.

Mi querida familia y amigos, it was finally real. My heart dropped. You know that tight feeling you get in your chest but it feels like it pushes further in? Yeah, well, that's what I felt. Anxiety sometimes feels like that, like a pressure that expands. For me at least. This feeling was my heart dropping, not the anxiety one, not on this day. In any case, my mind was racing. What did all of this mean? Was T.J. okay? What did we have to do next? What did I need to do?
 
During school dismissal my co-workers and I joked about me keeping my distance. I did because, although my co-workers were joking and I along with them, the news had been picking up and we honestly weren't too sure how to approach, interact, react, act, with this coronavirus possibility hitting so close to home. At this point it really only was a possibility. It was the friend of my husband's friend that tested positive. Not Jeff. Not T.J.

I kept bouncing this information in my head. I did speak to one of the administrators about the possibility that my husband was in close contact with someone who might possibly be positive for coronavirus. Maybe, possibly, who knows, but just in case... It was all just a very removed possibility but I still wanted to give a heads up. The supervisor listened, showed the appropriate amount of concern (listen, there's a large staff, and I honestly don't expect administration to know me that well), and asked me to keep them updated. It was close to home, it was real, yet, not just real enough. To keep it in perspective, for me all of this happened within a span of one to two hours.

I was calm on my drive home. And for sure in a state of disbelief. My father-in-law had picked up Joseph from daycare. T.J. had left work immediately and spent the whole day cleaning and disinfecting the house. He started keeping as much physical distance from us as possible that evening, not anything extreme, but definitely treating the situation in a way that neither his son nor his wife could get sick in case he was contagious.

Later that evening, my WhatsApp group with my coworkers was blowing up around dinner time. Major sporting events were being cancelled. The local news channels were in high excitement with the latest information about the coronavirus. The day T.J. had returned from his trip, our very own county already had a couple of cases confirmed (see this timeline). It was starting to become ground zero for our State. All this is simultaneously happening the same week T.J. received news from Jeff. We were experiencing this regional frenzy first hand, if not at the very beginning, then definitely not far behind it.

My boss called me later that evening during my son's bedtime routine at 8:30. She asked me not to come to work the next day. It was a precautionary measure. I was freaking out after I hung up. There were so many things I had to do in the next couple of days. Furthermore, my personal paid time off was limited to when my son has a doctor's appointment or gets sick. I couldn't afford to just take days off. There were so many emotions I was experiencing after that phone call. Yet, I knew and agreed that it was crucial to the well-being of others. Even though my husband hadn't traveled to a high risk area, our quarantine started the day T.J. received Jeff's call.

However, as real as all of this felt, especially because it was affecting us directly, there was still that chance, that possibility, that Jeff's results would be negative.

Day 2 - COVID19: Welcome Home

Welcome home!

DAY 2: As I write this post, it's been exactly 2 weeks since my husband returned from his work trip abroad. Tuesday.

It was Tuesday 6:00 AM. The alarm went off and I heard it as a far away sound. I remember thinking of my to-do-list when I jumped out of bed at 6:30 AM. At this point it had been none stop for two weeks. It was way past the time my son and I headed out towards his grandmother's house. You see, in order to not drop him off at 6:00AM and pick him up at 6:00PM from daycare (a 12 hour day for a 3 year old) my husband T.J. had asked his parents if they could kindly help us not disrupt our son's schedule too much. Joseph would spend part of the morning with his grandmother before she dropped him off and then he'd spend part of his afternoon with his grandfather when he picked him up. Moments like these, I will openly admit, is when I miss being near my own family: with my mother, my brothers and sisters-in-law, my nieces and nephews, and my aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

Joseph did not want to wake up this particular morning (he didn't want to go to bed the previous evening either) and yet we made it happen. He made it to grandma's. I made it to work. I was excited. My husband would be back before I arrived from work. We had agreed the day before that after he snoozed from his return flight he'd pick up Joseph from daycare.

As much as I tried to leave work on time this day I got caught up on a few conversations. They were extremely brief, just a few minutes long and yet, these minutes determined the length of my evening commute time. As such, when I finally made it to my car I already knew getting home would take me about 20 minutes longer. On my drive home I tried reaching my husband (using my car's Bluetooth, mind you) several times but to no avail. I knew he was most likely passed out. As I headed straight to Joseph's daycare I called to verify he was still there. I was on time and Joseph was ready to go home. He was talking about his friend Ethan and his carritos and who knows what else as I told him that papi was home. It might seem children don't know what's going on but I can tell you that Joseph had the biggest smile on our way home after he heard his papi was back.

When my son and I got home we walked upstairs to surprise T.J. He was sleeping. We woke him up with hugs and wet kisses. He looked exhausted but happy. The majority of his flight happened during the daylight hours while we were still sleeping. The three of us fell into our routine but not before T.J. gifted us with the souvenirs he brought us. We were all tired by the time we had dinner, T.J. more so, and bedtime was exactly at 8:00 PM this evening. 

Meanwhile, the news had picked up locally about the coronavirus. It wasn't too crazy just yet. It still didn't feel quite real. At work, the conversations between coworkers about the coronavirus were happening a lot more. We were taking it day by day and waiting on the directives from our supervisors.

Our Day 1 - COVID19: Work, Life, and Routines

Work, Life, and Routines

I'm blogging this in a retrospective manner and mostly for my family. I've been thinking much about it ever since my brother Steve not only encouraged me but asked me early on to share our experience. I was unsure where to begin and kept putting it off. I kept thinking, "At what moment does our experience with this pandemic start?" I came to the realization, that just as epidemiologists trace and continue to trace the origin and the spread of COVID-19, I too had to trace where my family's experience begins with this new current reality. It didn't start when my husband received his test results, but a couple of weeks before.

DAY 1: Our day 1 is a combination of moments, days, conversations that lead to my husband's departure and return between the end of February and beginning of March.


My husband took the day off the previous day not just because he needed to finish packing and get ready for his work trip but because we had also purchased a new mattress the previous weekend. We had been discussing purchasing a new bed for 4 years now. I kept pushing off the big purchase every year convincing my spouse we were fine. Granted, we complained about not sleeping well and in my case, especially during and after my pregnancy, the back pains were not enjoyable. My best friend Catherine had recently purchased a new mattress. As I enjoy doing with my closest and dearest friends, we had discussed the pros and cons of different beds as well as the costs! It's a major purchase that should never be done lightly. My husband after hearing me have these conversations over the phone suggested we should check out some mattresses as well. He said, we're only looking, we don't have to buy anything. I'm always nervous about making big purchases. I could get into the reasons of why, but that's another blog post. Well, "looking" turned into finding and purchasing. So here he was, the Friday before his trip waiting for the delivery of our new purchase as he packed and got everything in order for his over seas trip. His excitement was twofold: he was going to a country he had never been before and he was going to sleep, if only for one night, in the new mattress.


His mom kept jokingly reminding him the day before and the day he left that she was not going to see him for two weeks after he returned because of the Corona-virus. Though she was joking she was also quite serious. She was worried. She does not like to get sick. I don't blame her. It is because of my husband's family that I take being sick seriously. If you have the common cold, stay home, don't get others sick. People depend on their livelihoods. All of us do. It's called being aware. However, working until you drop seems to be a cultural trophy of sorts in our country and unfortunately, in many others as well. Or, we don't have an option. Cultural reasons as well? I know I don't stay home either. We all worry about our jobs, our careers, about others expressing displeasure for missing a day of work. All of us at some point or another have experienced that frown or flippancy from supervisors,  coworkers, and even family members. To assuage her worries, my husband insisted he would be fine. After all, both his flights would be direct flights with no layovers and moreover, the country he was traveling to was not a high risk area.

There is always nervousness that accompanies trips, whether they be local, regional, national, or abroad. We all feel nervous, worried, giddiness, sadness, excitement, and so forth when we travel or a loved one travels. Taking a trip is a combination of feelings not just for the person traveling but for those that stay behind.  We, my three year old and myself, dropped my husband off at the airport in the middle of the day that weekend. My husband made sure to kiss and hug us good-bye. Though we knew he'd be back soon, it was a bittersweet moment. After all, he would be and was gone for almost two weeks.

My son and I had to change our morning and evening routines quite a bit. He had to wake up a lot earlier and I was making it to work, through rush hour, just barely on time. My husband was working long hours but was also enjoying the experience of a culturally different region. After he completed his job assignment he stayed a few extra days to meet up with his college roommate. It had been almost 20 years since they had last seen each other.

My husband checked out of his hotel and stayed with his friend the remainder of his trip. His friend, let's call him Jeff, had just returned from a skiing trip with friends of his. During the week I made sure to speak with my husband, even if just for a few minutes, at noon every day during my lunch break. When we spoke he told me that Jeff was sick, probably due to all the partying he did while on vacation. We laughed about it and reminisced about the single life over the phone. He said they were going out to dinner that evening and that they'd figure out what to do the following day. It all depended on how Jeff was feeling. Well, they only went out for lunch the next day because Jeff wasn't feeling too well.  He was tired and appeared to have the flu.

After staying with Jeff for a few days my husband was more than ready to return home and be back to his normal routine. As you can probably imagine, back at home, we're beyond excited to see him. We had missed him. Our routine would be back to normal.

Well, as you can deduce by now, it didn't turn out quite that way.

Meanwhile, in the news, the Corona-virus was still something that was only happening abroad or definitely not in our community. Our local, state, and federal officials weren't necessarily showing much concern. At least not enough that our news outlets were dedicating a 24 hour cycle to the corona-virus epidemic. Yes, the news mentioned it, and it would discuss Washington State and its corona-virus spread, but it all seemed so far removed, nothing that had to do with our home, our family, our community, our State. For everyone that was following their day-to-day routines and not necessarily reading, watching, or listening to the news, this seemed like something that was just part of the news. At work, it was being mentioned through emails (I think I received at least one email per week) but not through active conversations. The email memos and briefs encouraged us to be aware and remind our students about washing their hands. We made sure to have tissue and hand sanitizer in the classrooms. Check, check, check. These guidelines however are the norm in schools. But we all know that children do get sick and that they also come to school even when it's just the common cold. Yet, it still didn't feel real. For them and even for me. The children would make jokes. Someone would sneeze and they would blurt out "corona-virus!" They obviously were quite aware of what was happening outside our community, but it wasn't just yet real.

So here I am again, post proposal blues

If you've reached this post today it's probably because you're in the proposal stage for your dissertation. In my department you proposal a research project and then attempt to defend your prospective research before you start writing your dissertation. It's an odd process...

I was there writing and then defending, several months ago and am I so glad it's finally over! It is sort of over, it's never truly over. My suggestion is to keep pushing forward and to take it one moment at a time. I say moment because these moments can vary in hours or days, and these elusive working moments can (and sometimes don't) offer a feeling of accomplishment. It's important to remember that every little bit you do gets you closer to your goal: defending your proposal. Staring at your screen with your open document is a little something, believe it or not. In my case staring eventually helped me reach a point of frustration and forced me to find some other activity, such as working out, in which I could either forget about my work or think about what I wanted to write. I would return at some point with some sense of rejuvenation. And of course, the cycle continued until the document was submitted for a final review before defending.

Then there was the preparing for the defense, what will the committee members ask? Everything. Everything because you will soon notice that some members read your document thoroughly while others did not. So all sorts of questions become game. When you're in that conference room keep calm as best you can, let the questions come and be ready for those questions that make no sense and make you want to shake your head in amazement.

After defending my proposal I was exhausted. Drained. Apathetic. Detached. Sad about all these feelings. I wanted to feel elated. Instead I wanted to run as far away as possible, not talk about it, and think of other career options. I still want to run away, not talk about it, and DO think of other career options. My proposal writing process was long and grueling with constant blows to my intellectual self-esteem and especially future! Oh, that uncertain future how it can hunt one so... So, that's why I keep reminding myself, take it moment by moment.

I had and have the blues and maybe with no love involved, though that's debatable. I love the topic I'm writing about even if everyone (friends and family) can't figure out (even after I offer context and explanations) why I think it's so important.

So here I am again. Trying to write, the feeling never goes away of needing to get this done. I've started this first chapter several times. I haven't gotten past several pages and the first introductory paragraph is constantly being edited. Goodbye dear proposal, hello first chapter!

(Ha! These last paragraphs reminded me and have me humming "None the Richer" by Sixpence.)