So here I am again, post proposal blues

If you've reached this post today it's probably because you're in the proposal stage for your dissertation. In my department you proposal a research project and then attempt to defend your prospective research before you start writing your dissertation. It's an odd process...

I was there writing and then defending, several months ago and am I so glad it's finally over! It is sort of over, it's never truly over. My suggestion is to keep pushing forward and to take it one moment at a time. I say moment because these moments can vary in hours or days, and these elusive working moments can (and sometimes don't) offer a feeling of accomplishment. It's important to remember that every little bit you do gets you closer to your goal: defending your proposal. Staring at your screen with your open document is a little something, believe it or not. In my case staring eventually helped me reach a point of frustration and forced me to find some other activity, such as working out, in which I could either forget about my work or think about what I wanted to write. I would return at some point with some sense of rejuvenation. And of course, the cycle continued until the document was submitted for a final review before defending.

Then there was the preparing for the defense, what will the committee members ask? Everything. Everything because you will soon notice that some members read your document thoroughly while others did not. So all sorts of questions become game. When you're in that conference room keep calm as best you can, let the questions come and be ready for those questions that make no sense and make you want to shake your head in amazement.

After defending my proposal I was exhausted. Drained. Apathetic. Detached. Sad about all these feelings. I wanted to feel elated. Instead I wanted to run as far away as possible, not talk about it, and think of other career options. I still want to run away, not talk about it, and DO think of other career options. My proposal writing process was long and grueling with constant blows to my intellectual self-esteem and especially future! Oh, that uncertain future how it can hunt one so... So, that's why I keep reminding myself, take it moment by moment.

I had and have the blues and maybe with no love involved, though that's debatable. I love the topic I'm writing about even if everyone (friends and family) can't figure out (even after I offer context and explanations) why I think it's so important.

So here I am again. Trying to write, the feeling never goes away of needing to get this done. I've started this first chapter several times. I haven't gotten past several pages and the first introductory paragraph is constantly being edited. Goodbye dear proposal, hello first chapter!

(Ha! These last paragraphs reminded me and have me humming "None the Richer" by Sixpence.)